We grow up hearing quips about “the midlife crisis”, and the bad choices that go with it. I knew it was coming, but had no understanding of its reality, only its superficial existence. But it hasn’t been superficial. Instead, I have been bewildered by the subtle unraveling of my identity. Even more surprising is the person I am becoming.
I can’t be the only one astounded at the level of disdain for how life has turned out at this stage…right? Barring the fact that I have much to be grateful for (and I do); shifts in perspective have swapped my rose colored glasses for um…what’s the term…shit colored ones.
I’m sure it’s a little different for everyone. Up until this point, I accepted the bad things that came one way or another. Some were the results of other people, some was the fruit of my own labor. I dealt with them or I didn’t; I succeeded or I failed. Either way I was still on solid footing. I didn’t like everything about my life, but I still recognized it as mine.
Now, as I survey my reality, not everything fits the way I think it should. It’s almost like living in another country where things are similar, but different enough to be disorienting. It’s unsettling; as if I’ve stepped into a different version of my life. The level of dissatisfaction is profound, and apparently nearly universal.
A Look in the Mirror
Not everyone gets the proverbial mirror set in front of them. The kind that comes ushering in a gut check, because it is reflecting the real you. Perhaps it comes with age or life altering circumstances. The thing is, my better attributes were enough for me to be the “real me”; I wasn’t one to focus on my shortcomings. Maybe I’m just late to the party; but whatever truth may lurk in my hesitancy to see myself, this mirror has changed how I feel about myself and my life. It has changed how I see the years that preceded, and changed how I see the future.
The bigger problem though is how I feel about right now. A portion is centered around my own past choices. However it is also colored by the actions of others…things that were out of my control. But there is deeper, more unsettling layer here.
Cue the Dissatisfaction
It is that feeling, like you’ve wasted your life so far; regardless of any evidence to the contrary. The sentiment seemingly has nowhere to go. It gnaws at the bits of happiness and contentment that in turn grow steadily smaller. The dissatisfaction makes a person re-evaluate where life is headed. Disquieting the heart, we search for more.
Enter the midlife crisis behaviors that turn middle aged people into clichés. Of course not everyone defers to these emotions, yet many do. What is a person to do with feeling like they’ve failed to become who they wanted to be? Or face growing doubt about being on any real path to success or happiness? There is some good news regarding this lingering meddler…it visits just about everyone.
The Midlife Crisis is a Human Experience
“A profound dip in reported life satisfaction at this age [40-50] happens equally to men and women – not just in the U.S., but in every part of the world…”
Chris Taylor
This is good for a few reasons:
- It will pass
- Feelings do not equal facts
- We can be prepared for it
- It can be a force for positive change
Some studies show that for most of us in the U.S., things start to turn around again around age 50. This doesn’t mean we just endure a decade of despair. There’s good and bad through all of it; similarly, our teen years weren’t 100% horrific either. Instead, there is a window of time we tend to experience this downward trend. But we don’t have to merely slog through hoping to find a light at the end of the tunnel or worse, simply wait for the years to pass and let death finally release us.
The feelings of wasted years may not match up to the accomplishments that litter the landscape of one’s life. Remember the shitty beliefs about ourselves and the world we held as teenagers? Was it all true or just part of a formative stage? Perhaps the years were not a waste of time; and maybe this midlife slump is another formative kind of pain.
Moreover, the fact that the midlife crisis can be seen as a “stage” makes it easier to plan for. It does not have to take us by surprise. We do not have to be overtaken by the feelings of deficient and hollow accomplishment. In fact, we can use this pain for good.
Drowning Gracefully
This isn’t the time to self-destruct and start a second family. Remembering that this is a short term problem, we can allow it to be, rather than ignore it. If we haven’t learned by this point not to pretend that something isn’t wrong, it’s a great time to learn it. Physical and emotional pain aren’t intrinsically bad. Sometimes they serve a purpose. They can point out something needs to stop, improve, or be accepted.
Now is a great time to evaluate what needs stopped, improved or accepted. Are there people in your life who bring you more harm than good (yourself included)? Are you prioritizing your priorities? How would you like to spend more of your time?
With all of the potential paths to take, it is crucial to keep in mind what appears to be the real key to happiness…good relationships. At this stage though, many have sacrificed personal relationships for their children, or careers. The demands on our lives are ever changing, but those demands do not equal our purpose.
Drowning in the details of our lives, we can lose the bigger picture, if we’re lucky we can see that there is, in fact, a bigger picture. We can accept the bad and the good, and we can nurture and enjoy the connections we share with others. We’re never done changing, and we never actually “arrive”. So let’s keep sorting our shit out and enjoy the journey.